Gut Punches

This past few months, I have been angry... oh, so angry...
My mother struggled with mental health issues for a very long time. She faked a brain tumor, claimed to have been born with only one kidney, and then told us she was diagnosed with bi-lateral (both sides) kidney disease.
When the doctor suggested that "SOMEDAY in the future" she may need a pacemaker, and it may need to become part of her plans, she asked how she would know to let him know that time had come. Within a year, she had reported any and all of the symptoms he mentioned.. When he did the ablation on her heart and put in the pacemaker, she put herself at a point of no return, because he essentially killed her heart. From that point forward, every beat of her heart was artificial. Her pacemaker didn't "kick in" when her heart stopped like others who have a pacemaker.. her pacemaker worked 100% of the time...
Fast forward to 2014 when she was diagnosed, as was I, with diverticulitis. If you don't know about this disease, I promise you, you are blessed. It is PAINFUL.. it stops you without warning, whenever it chooses to do so. Some people who have it can't eat nuts.. some can't eat anything with a "hull" like peas, corn, etc. My personal trigger is popcorn.. and, of course, it is my favorite food on the planet! Mom's was never narrowed.
She struggled with this. It stopped her, as it does all who have it. She could not handle pain, at all. So, she sought a solution. 10 doctors told her she could have a colon dissection and resection, with a temporary colostomy, IF she were healthy otherwise.. my mom was NOT.. at the time she was diagnosed, she had diabetes, a pacemaker, liver disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, was 125lbs overweight, had just lost her gall bladder, had secondary diseases brought on by the diabetes, joint disease and she had the mental health issues she had always had... so, these same docs who told her what would make her better told her they would NOT recommend surgery.. she simply may not live through the surgery. ALL of them told her to lose some weight, which would help almost all of her health problems, but most notably the diverticulitis...the theory is that if you aren't so overweight, the colon has more room, is not compressed and things can "move" through more easily.. Diverticulum occur when seeds, nuts, hulls, etc get caught in the colon and inflame the tissues, causing heat and pain until they move out.. sometimes the diverticulum form pouches and the colon has to be dissected at the point of the pouch, then later, after recovery, it will be rejoined and you can go back to a normal life. That was my mother's plan and hope.. however, the doctors told her it was unlikely...
Until she went to a surgeon who told her he felt she may be able to have the surgery, if it came down to it.. so, of course, with her need for attention and her "luck" so far with doing these things, she began to research and figure out what to say to the doctor in order to have the surgery she had now set her mind to.
In 2015, she was in the hospital 6 times for treatment of diverticulitis, but every time she went, the doctors said her symptoms didnt match the test results. I told them what I thought she was doing.. researching,telling everyone what they needed to hear in order to get the surgery she was convinced she needed and wanted. One doctor found that she had enough symptoms that he would do the surgery.. December 11 was her day.Unable to wait, Mom did more research. A week prior to her scheduled surgery, she went to ER again. The doctor there told her "perhaps Dr. ___ sees something I don't, but I see NO NEED for this extensive surgery and my fear is that you will have it  and it will not be reversible and you will either NOT recover or you will have such a hard time, you will spend MONTHS in the hospital, only to find your issue isn't over and you have had no results."
I begged her not to have this surgery. I asked her not to overstate her symptoms. But, her mind was made up, the plan was set, and she WAS going to have this surgery. And,she did except she had to have it on the scheduled date of Dec 11. and things were very different than we had been told they would be..
Several days went by and she was told her surgery would NOT be reversible for many reasons
1) The person who marked my mother for her colostomy marked her incorrectly, which meant she would be unable to change her bag and care for herself, making her reliant upon home health care for the remainder of her life, once she healed enough to be home
2) The stoma formed as an "innie" rather than an "outie" meaning the traditional bags would never work for her
3) She developed an infection and had to have all her surgical wounds reopened. She would now have an 8" round wound which opened to her insides.. you could see everything if you looked..
4) She now realized she had done irreversible harm to her body and she gave up
5) This same doctor put her in a rehab facility and didn't bother to send any orders on how to care for her, so she laid there for 10 days with no medical care, in tremendous pain, until I went to the the doc and demanded they re admit her, and make her better!
Mom went back to the hospital, stayed there for several weeks and she never got better. Insurance sent her home. She stayed for about 10 days. She developed a small bowel obstruction and it never ended. No attempts to open her up and repair it, no attempts to find out what it was, she just laid there... for four long weeks.
On Monday, April 25, I visited her and she was non responsive, but I was assured by the nurses that she was simply "medicated".. and boy, was she.. Adavan, Morphine, Dilauded and Zofran/phenergan combo were ALL given within the same 2 hour time frame... Mom never recovered..
within 12 hours she was in the Trauma Surgical ICU.. she couldn't breathe, was diagnosed with respiratory failure and she woke up only long enough for the doctor to tell her "I can't make you any better. Do you want any ventilators ("no"), any CPR (no), shock (no), heroic measures (no)
She spent almost a day barely talking, then had a set back where she was non responsive. On Friday, we were told she would never come back to us and I made the decision as her "Appointed Next of Kin" to move her to palliative care. She lasted 12 hours. I was with her when the angels came. I watched that last breath. I held her hand, told her secrets I had never shared, told her it was okay to go to Heaven and be with my dad, her loved ones, etc.
For a week, I held my breath.. I didn't want to know when the cremation she had paid for was happening. My  brother had left the hospital when they came for her body and I havent heard from him since. I found out there was a hold up on her death certificate. I took care of that. I now wait to hear I can bury her ashes. ..
I am mad.. at her for doing this.. at my brother for lying and telling me she didn't want to see me for 12 days after her surgery and for TEXTING me that they had found cancer.. at the doc for not only messing her up but for doing nothing to fix her. At me, for not making her see what she was doing..
Through it all, I grew closer to God. I knew that my mother's death would hurt, but with all the pain of her mistreatment through the years, the fact that she left me to deal with people who won't work with me on her estate, that she lied about paying for her funeral, that she changed her will over and over until we keep finding new ones... but I never knew I would MISS her. I really had prepared myself to be angry, to hate, and to need forgiveness for the hatred.. but not for the LOSS..
God has revealed to me a new plan for my life. I am now looking into Ordination, am writing new songs for a new project, have taken on a new job in a new Church, and am keeping busy.. but I HURT, in ways I never imagined. I ache for an argument with her because that was the norm.
I beg for the docs to call and say it was a mistake and they can fix her..